It's me again, the one who wanted your opinion about telling my friends. Well, I told only my best friends, and they said they would try to help me and they will always be here for me. It's been a week since I've told them, and the longest I've went without cutting is 3 weeks. But just about 5 minutes ago, I broke those 3 weeks.. I just don't feel complete without a tool and fresh scars on my arm.
Instead of a tool to hurt why not a pen to write? Tell your best friends about the butterfly project, and tell them you want them to help by drawing butterflies on your arms so you don’t cut. Three weeks is so long though, I’m sure now you can make it to six! One slip up doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, it is just the beginning. Watch, you are going to find out what recovery feels like one day, I just know it. You’re going to surpass three weeks, and get to three years, and realize that this was just a little speed bump on your journey.
A piece of Advice…
No matter how fast your falling, you can always catch yourself right before you hit the floor.
Hello,
So I’ve decided to tell you all a little bit more about me. Chances are I’ll lose a few followers after this but that’s OK.
So as I’m sure most of you know, there is a project floating around called the butterfly project. The basics of it are that if you or a loved one is suffering from self harm you draw a butterfly whenever you feel the urge to self harm. And if you self harm before the butterfly fades, you’ve killed it.
I’ve been self harming since I was 15. When I was growing up my family moved around a lot. My sister and I never stayed in a school for very long. My memory isn’t the greatest so I’m not sure how accurate this is but I remember her having no problem making friends. Me, I was more shy. I wasn’t a big people person, I’m still not, and I guess that made me an easy target. I was bullied. From then till the end of high school. In elementary school it was just name calling, but as I got older it got worse.
The worse was in high school when I was in the 10th grade. To make a long story short I was constantly made fun of, excluded, pushed, hit, and told repeatedly to kill myself. When you hear that everyday, eventually it gets to be to much to stand. I stopped going to school. And on the days that I did go to school i usually ended up going home in tears.
It got particularly bad one day and I ended up being taken to the hospital. I entered and in-patient program and stayed there for a little over a month. I tried to do what they said to get better but eventually I gave up. I pretended that I was happy and better, but I just wanted to go home, soon after I was discharged and I was put into an out patient program. But like the other program I didn’t feel it was right for me. So I told them that I wanted to go back to my old school, that I missed my ‘friends’.
So I was put back into my old school and it started all over again. But I put up with it because it was my choice, but that doesn’t change the fact that the bullying continued and got worse. I secluded myself. I stopped talking to anybody, my friends or the teachers. I ate lunch under the concrete stairs that no one used.
I finished my high school days this way. Alone. And I guess that I’ve never really gotten over it. Whenever I leave the house I worry that people are staring, pointing and laughing. I can’t leave the house with out music to block out the noise.
Lately I’ve been wondering, if bullies knew how much pain they caused, how much they’ve scarred people, if they would still do it. I wouldn’t be able to.
The butterfly I drew, even though I named it for my mom, It’s for everyone that was ever bullied. For the ones out there that think they are alone. You’re not, and even though I’m still struggling with my self harm, you can talk to me. I’ll listen and I wont judge.
So yeah….I’m done. Hope this doesn’t scare to many of you off. I’m not usually this ‘touchy feely’ with what I write. I just felt it needed to be shared?
